Self Awareness: The skill most people think they have but don’t.
We all think we know how we show up. The reality is often very different.
Ask a room full of leaders if they’re self aware, and almost every hand goes up.
Ask if they’re emotionally intelligent, hands stay up.
Ask their teams the same questions and the result is, more often than not, very different.
The Confidence Trap
Research consistently shows that while most people believe they are self aware, only a small percentage truly are.
Not surface level awareness like; “I know my strengths.” We’re talking about deep, honest awareness of:
How inherent thinking patterns drive your behaviour
How inherent bias and prejudice shape your decisions
How you actually show up under pressure
The gap between your intent and your impact
The triggers that dictate your responses (subconsciously)
The patterns you repeat, especially the unhelpful ones
High performers are particularly at risk. Success creates a feedback loop that reinforces behaviour, not necessarily the right behaviour. When it’s all going well, we mentally reinforce that our approach is effective and stop to question at what cost to ourselves, and others.
There are plenty of high performers who lack self awareness. Imagine what they would be like if they had it!
Intent vs Impact
Most leaders operate from intent:
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I was trying to get a result.”
That’s not self awareness. That’s hindsight.
Genuine self awareness sits in the uncomfortable space between intent and impact. It requires actively seeking to understand how your behaviour lands, not how it was intended.
This is where many leaders fall short. Not intentionally, they just haven’t done the work.
Why It Matters More Than Ever
In a world accelerating through AI, automation and simplification, the differentiator is still human. At the centre of that is how leaders think, behave, and execute.
Self awareness is the gateway skill for:
Better decision quality
Trust and psychological safety
Consistent leadership effectiveness
Without it, leaders operate with blind spots. And blind spots are where risk lives. Cultural and commercial.
The Myth of “Knowing Yourself”
Many people confuse familiarity with self awareness:
“I’m direct.”
“I’m results focused.”
“I’m not great with emotions.”
“I don’t suffer fools.”
“People need to be more resilient.”
“This is just my style.”
These are defensive descriptors, not self awareness.
Real self awareness goes further:
When does that behaviour show up?
Why does it show up, what triggers it?
What’s the impact on others?
And most importantly, what am I choosing to do about it?
What Genuine Self Awareness Actually Looks Like
It’s not passive. It’s active, ongoing, and at times uncomfortable.
You’ll see it in leaders who:
Seek specific, real feedback (not just validation)
Can articulate both their strengths and their derailers and how they regulate them
Notice behaviour in the moment, not just afterwards or once told
Adjust in real time
Take responsibility for impact, not just intent
They don’t get it right all the time, but they see it faster and course correct sooner.
How to Build It (without turning it into a process)
This is where most organisations and leaders get it wrong. They try to systemise self awareness through annual reviews, surveys, generic 360s, and performative feedback conversations, and then wonder why nothing changes.
Self awareness is built through the right type of conversation, diagnostic tool and mentoring.
Here’s where to start:
1. Close the Gap Between You and the Truth
Ask better questions of yourself and others, and ask them regularly:
“If I was on the other side, what would I think of me and how I handled that?”
“What’s it like to be on the receiving end of me when I’m under pressure?”
“How could I have handled that differently and what would have changed?”
If you explain it away, you aren’t listening.
2. Track Your Triggers in Real Time
Self awareness isn’t built in reflection alone, it’s built in recognition.
Start noticing:
When your tone shifts
When you become more directive, abrupt, or defensive
When you feel the need to “win” or shut something down
When you are silent and disengaged
Pause and ask yourself; “what just got triggered and why?” and; “why was I triggered in that moment, and what emotion did I feel (anger, annoyance frustration, impatience)?”
3. Separate Intent from Impact
Replace; “that’s not what I meant” with; “talk me through how that landed for you”. Then go one step further:
What was I thinking and feeling in that moment?
Why did I respond that way?
This is where patterns start to reveal themselves and you differentiate intent and impact.
4. Build a Feedback Loop
Don’t wait for feedback, create your own rhythm in asking for feedback:
After key meetings; “what worked? what didn’t? what was my impact?”
Ask trusted peers to call it out in the moment when they see it
Ask your team; “if I shut you or something down too quickly, tell me”
Self aware leaders don’t wait for feedback. They engineer it.
The Bottom Line
The most overlooked driver of leadership performance isn’t capability, it’s self awareness and it isn’t a ‘nice to have’, it’s the foundation of effective leadership.
If you put your hand up in that room, and then asked your team the same question, would their answer match yours?
If you’re not sure, that’s your starting point.
